Is Getting Over Regret Possible?

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Regret can hit hard—especially when you keep replaying past choices in your mind.

For anyone who’s stuck wondering, is getting over regret possible?—that question alone can feel heavy.

It’s one thing to make mistakes, but it’s another to keep dragging them around like baggage that won’t unzip.

Maybe it’s the job you didn’t take, the person you hurt, or the risk you were too scared to try.

At some point, we all wrestle with that voice in our head that says, “You should’ve known better.”

But here’s the thing—healing doesn’t mean forgetting. It means learning how to stop letting yesterday control what you do today.

While some regrets are minor and fade quickly, others can significantly impact your emotional well-being.

But here’s the good news: that uncomfortable feeling of regret can actually be a catalyst for growth!

Think of it as a signal telling you, “Hey, maybe try something different next time.” It encourages reflection about your values and can motivate positive changes.

Interestingly, we might be experiencing more regret these days. Why?

In this post, I am going to go over how to deal with regret and climb out of the self-pity party that we so often find ourselves in.

Understanding the Psychology of Regret

What Are the Different Types of Regret?

When we dig deeper into regret, we discover there are essentially two main types:

• Action Regret: When you did something and later wish you hadn’t-like making an impulsive purchase or saying something hurtful. These regrets often feel intense immediately.
• Inaction Regret: When you didn’t do something and later wish you had-perhaps not auditioning for a play or not expressing your feelings to someone special. These “road not taken” regrets tend to linger longer and can intensify as you age.

Daniel Pink has further identified four fundamental categories of regret in his research-based book, The Power of Regret:

• Foundation Regrets: Not establishing good life habits, like saving money or taking care of your health.
• Moral Regrets: Doing something unkind or unfair that violates your values.
• Connection Regrets: Missing opportunities to connect with others due to shyness or fear.
• Boldness Regrets: Not pursuing opportunities because you played it safe.

How Does Our Brain Process Regret?

Scientists using fMRI technology have observed that regret activates specific brain regions associated with decision-making, emotional processing, and memory formation.

Research published in the Journal of Neuroscience suggests our brains are wired to try avoiding regret, which can sometimes make people overly cautious about taking risks-even when those risks might lead to great outcomes.

How Is Regret Different from Guilt?

People often confuse these emotions, but they’re distinct:

• Regret centers on wishing for a different outcome or path taken. Managing regret often involves viewing it as a learning experience.
• Guilt is more about feeling bad because you believe you’ve harmed yourself or others. Resolving guilt typically requires taking responsibility, apologizing, and making amends.

Why Regret Hurts So Much

The Pain Behind Regret

Regret hurts because it creates a painful disconnect between what is and what could have been.

When you focus on missed opportunities or mistakes, it triggers real emotional pain.

Your brain actually processes this kind of social or emotional pain similarly to physical pain-which is why expressions like “heartache” or “gut-wrenching regret” feel so accurate.

Research from UCLA has shown that social pain activates many of the same neural regions as physical pain, helping explain why emotional wounds can feel so genuinely painful.

The pain intensifies when the mistake feels avoidable or when you believe you should have known better.

This self-blame adds layers of shame and disappointment, magnifying the emotional impact.

Is Regret a Coping Mechanism?

While regret itself isn’t a coping mechanism, how we respond to it can be. Some people use regret constructively-as motivation to make better choices or as a learning tool. Others develop unhealthy coping responses like rumination, avoidance, or self-punishment.

The Dangers of Dwelling on Regret

If you become fixated on regret, it can create a toxic cycle of negative emotions that undermines your self-esteem and confidence. This emotional burden can deteriorate both mental and physical health, leading to anxiety, depression, and sleep disturbances.

When you’re excessively focused on past regrets, it becomes difficult to enjoy the present or look forward to the future. It’s as if your mind is stuck replaying the same “what if” scenarios, preventing you from seeing the possibilities around you.

The Healing Journey: From Regret to Growth

Step 1: Acknowledge and Process Your Feelings

The first step toward healing is allowing yourself to fully feel your emotions rather than suppressing them:

• Mourn your loss: Give yourself permission to grieve what didn’t happen or what went wrong.
• Express your feelings: Find healthy outlets like journaling, talking with someone trustworthy, or creative expression.
• Examine what happened: Once the initial emotional wave subsides, thoughtfully review the situation and your role in it.

Research published in the journal Emotion suggests that acknowledging negative emotions, rather than suppressing them, leads to better psychological outcomes.

Step 2: Practice Self-Compassion

We’re often our harshest critics when we make mistakes. Being kind to yourself is much more effective than self-punishment:

• Challenge your inner critic: When that harsh voice speaks up, respond as you would to a friend who made the same mistake.
• Remember context: Consider the circumstances, limitations, and knowledge you had at the time of your decision.
• Acknowledge your humanity: Everyone makes mistakes-they’re an inevitable part of being human.
• Forgive yourself: Recognize that at that time, you did the best you could with what you knew and who you were then.

Step 3: Extract the Lessons

Transform regret from a source of pain to a valuable teacher:

• Identify what you’ve learned: What has this experience taught you about yourself, your values, or how you want to live?
• Make amends if needed: If your regret involves hurting someone, take steps to right the wrong when possible.
• Use the insight for better decisions: Apply what you’ve learned to make more aligned choices in the future.

Step 4: Redirect Your Focus

Once you’ve processed your feelings and extracted the wisdom, it’s time to shift your attention:

• Create a future vision: Visualize clearly how you want to handle similar situations in the future.
• Take positive action: Identify concrete steps you can take now that align with who you want to be.
• Build a supportive environment: Surround yourself with positive people who uplift rather than criticize you.

Breaking Free from Rumination

Why Do We Get Stuck in Regret Loops?

Rumination-that constant mental replay of regrets-happens for several reasons:

• The brain naturally seeks to make sense of negative experiences
• Repetitive thinking can give an illusion of control or problem-solving
• Unresolved emotions keep demanding attention
• Perfectionist tendencies make it harder to accept mistakes

Research from Harvard Medical Schooly has shown that rumination is a significant risk factor for depression and anxiety, highlighting the importance of developing strategies to break this cycle.

How to Stop Obsessing Over Regrets

When you find yourself caught in a cycle of regretful thoughts, try these approaches:

• Pattern interruption: Create a strong sensory experience-taste something sour, hold something cold, or engage in brief physical activity to break the thought cycle.
• Schedule “regret time”: Designate a specific 15-minute period each day for thinking about regrets, then postpone regretful thoughts until that time.
• Externalize the regret: Write your regrets on paper, then physically dispose of it-tear it up, burn it (safely), or bury it as a symbolic release.
• Reframe negative self-talk: Transform “I’m such an idiot for making that mistake” into “I made a decision with the information I had at the time, and now I know better for the future.”
• Use healthy distractions: Engage in absorbing activities that require full attention-physical exercise, creative pursuits, or helping others.
• Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) techniques have proven effective for breaking rumination cycles and developing healthier thought patterns.

Gaining Perspective on Your Regrets

Does the Feeling of Regret Ever Go Away?

While intense regret typically diminishes over time, complete disappearance isn’t always realistic or necessary. What changes is your relationship with the regret:

• Put it in perspective: How significant will this regret seem a month or year from now?
• Consider the complete picture: Look for any benefits or growth that resulted from your actual choice.
• Avoid idealizing the path not taken: The alternative would likely have included its own challenges and disappointments.
• Recognize that others are less focused on your mistakes than you are: Most people are more concerned with their own experiences than your regrets.

Is Regret a Stage of Grief?

While regret isn’t formally listed among the traditional stages of grief, it’s often experienced during the grieving process-particularly during the bargaining stage when people think, “If only I had done things differently.”

Regret shares characteristics with grief-both involve coming to terms with something that cannot be changed and finding a way to move forward despite the pain. When regret is connected to grief, addressing both emotions simultaneously through grief counseling or support groups can be particularly helpful.

How to Live a Life You Won’t Regret

While some regrets are inevitable, you can minimize future regrets with these approaches:

• Align actions with values: Before making decisions, ask, “Does this reflect what matters most to me?”
• Consider future regret: Ask yourself, “Might I regret doing this-or not doing it-later?”
• Choose courage over comfort: Research shows that people more often regret inaction than action. Don’t wait for perfect conditions to pursue what matters.
• Use technology mindfully: Before posting or sending messages, pause to consider potential consequences.
• Practice acceptance: After thoughtfully making choices, accept them rather than second-guessing.

What is the Number One Regret in Life?

According to palliative care nurse Bronnie Ware’s famous research published in her book The Top Five Regrets of the Dying, the most common regret expressed by dying patients is: “I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.”

This suggests that living according to external expectations rather than our authentic desires leads to profound regret.

To avoid this, regularly check whether your choices reflect your true values and aspirations rather than pressures from others.

What Triggers Regret?

Understanding what activates regretful thinking can help you prepare healthy responses:

• Significant life transitions (graduation, retirement, milestone birthdays)
• Witnessing others’ success in areas where you didn’t pursue opportunities
• Environmental reminders (photos, locations, anniversaries)
• Unexpected outcomes that contrast with what you anticipated
• Awareness of limited time (health diagnoses, aging)

Finding Deeper Meaning in Regret

A Spiritual Perspective on Regret

Many religious and spiritual traditions offer perspectives on regret that emphasize forgiveness, growth, and purpose:

In Christianity, scripture teaches that divine forgiveness makes renewal possible despite past regrets.

As 2 Corinthians 5:17 states, “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!”

Various spiritual traditions view mistakes and regrets as essential parts of the human journey-opportunities for growth rather than merely failures.

The concept of redemption, that painful experiences can be transformed into wisdom and compassion, appears across many faith traditions.

These perspectives don’t dismiss the importance of acknowledging mistakes and making amends.

Rather, they offer a framework for understanding regret as part of a larger journey rather than a final verdict on one’s worth.

How to Let Go of Deep Regret

For particularly profound or painful regrets:

• Share your story: Talking about regrets with trusted others can diminish their power and provide new perspectives.
• Contribute to others: Use your experience to help people facing similar challenges.
• Create meaning: Find ways to honor what was lost or transform the experience into something constructive.
• Focus on growth: Recognize how the experience has deepened your compassion, wisdom, or resilience.
• Seek professional help when needed: If regret feels overwhelming or is significantly impacting your daily functioning, consider therapy or counseling. The American Psychological Association offers resources for finding appropriate mental health support.

Wrapping things up

Feeling regret is simply part of being human-we all make mistakes. The wonderful thing is that you can move forward and grow from these experiences. The key is accepting what happened with kindness, forgiving yourself, and learning valuable lessons.

Your past mistakes don’t define you! You have the power to shape an amazing future. No life is perfect or free from regret-that’s not the goal. Instead, aim for a life where regrets become stepping stones rather than stumbling blocks, where past mistakes inform better choices rather than haunting your present.

You absolutely can create a life of meaning, purpose, and joy-not despite your regrets, but partly because of what they’ve taught you. You’ve got this!

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